A Guide to Infidelity For Men (Beginner Level)

Relationship

A Guide to Infidelity (Beginner Level) aka a confession of a paranoid girlfriend

Let’s face it. Everyone is going to cheat on their partner at some point of their lives : flirty text, nude snapchat or the “I-am-so-drunk-and-she-came-all-on-me” sex. Throughout my previous relationships, I have been asked out multiple times by guys who were having a stable, long term relationship, some oft them even suggested “Friends with benefits “relationship for an alternative relationship. Before you won’t shut up about how much you love your partner, we all have to face a truth: after all, there is so many temptations in life and we just cannot satisfy by always wetting and licking the same lollipop.

For the past few weeks, I had been going through the same arguments with my boyfriend in an endless loop: “Will you cheat or not?” and “Why can’t you shut up about certain man/woman?”. Since we have been in a long distance relationship, cheating has always a sensitive issue for us to discuss (and probably because I cannot intrude his privacy). I tried to prove my point by saying there is still a moral ground for fidelity, but my friend’s experience and all the valuable lessons taught by my ex-boyfriends said the opposite. So here, I will set a definite rule for the fellow worshipers of secret “open-relationship” and the “opps-I-did-it-again”: if you decided to cheat, then cheat it professionally. From choosing your targets, removing glitter from your dick to planning an emergency evacuation plan, here is an elementary guide to help you remove any chance for your partner pouring hot sauce over your hot actions.

  1. Clean the crime scene

Sometimes it is as simple as that, however most men always fall for the same old trap: condom in the toilet bin, extra toothbrush and the complimentary second-handed makeup utensils and bobby pins. As a woman who went through this kind of bullshit in the past and eventually developed a paranoid habit of checking one’s bathroom, please keep your bathroom clean and your bedroom completely off the hook after any romance from the day before. One last tip for the gents out there, women are extra sensitive for hair around who are not in their length or colours or any curls.

  1. Keep count of your coming

Same as the previous one, this is an extra reminder for people who practice safe sex (kudos to you), keep count of the numbers of condom or simply buy an extra pack of different brands for your affairs. In one of previous relationships, I have encountered a men who always (-well this is not a hyperbole) cheat on me, so I have progressively adopted a habit of counting how many times we had sex and the condom count. The numbers also indicated how enjoyable your sex life is and keep account of the money spent, so why not?

  1. Don’t keep any text message record

I mean, really, just delete all your flirt message and emails in the trashbox. You will never re-read it except your girlfriend. And

  1. Don’t trust the box

It is interesting enough to see how men are so unaware how heartwarming (crazy) a woman could be for a men’s past. My boyfriend used to store all his nude and sex tapes from his ex-lover on iPhoto which only resulted in me opening in them (and holding the best sex tape/ best-looking lover contest) and getting mad for no reason. Sorry guys, but privacy is dead since 1984.

Dropbox and other cloud service are not suggested as they often connects to too much device without getting you to authorize one by one, so get on the oldest way and store it on a USB flash, over burden it with file names – “Work”, “Writing guidelines” and “My Poo Diary”, then lock it with a password.

  1. Stay out of social media

Recently I have read an article on how a woman found her husband have been engaging in three other marriages on facebook, if that doesn’t warn you how influential social media is, then you probably should leave. Facebook, twitter and others is a place for couple to show off their lovely-dopey thing but all the tags from other women and the excessively like from another person could lead to something disastrous.

Here is the three steps on account setting – put your spouse into a restricted friend list, disable tagged photos appearing on your own facebook and the comment function on your wall. Now you know your ABCs, next time won’t you cheat with me?

 

Okay I admit that it will not be a healthy relationship nor is it a proper thing to do, but since we have been talking about cheating, keep your moral downs and listen to a woman who is obsessed with finding traces from her boyfriend. Happy Cheating! and my the odds be ever in your favour!

Tinder : Will you do me?

Relationship

Arghhhh ugly  *swipe left*

Wow much muscle such douche  *swipe left*

Cute guys … oh he is the uglier one *swipe left*

 

After discovering (and it has been out in app store for 1 ½ year) the Tinder apps , I have no shame to tell you that I spend at least 30 mins a day just to swipe and see how my standards to men (and women) go. Like any other dating app , Tinder uses a “hot or not” scale , while you could simply swipe left to people you don’t like and when both of you swipe right to each other , then a conversation could start. Unlike other application that emphasize on height , eye colour and other useless information , it is straight to the point to – your age and appearance or simply “Do you want to do him/her?”

 

The first few days on Tinder , I swiped right to everyone that probably is easy  or  has a cat/dog on their picture. The results was rather unsatisfying  : half of whom remain the message “matched on *date*” , one left me when I told him that I wasn’t out in LKF and  a self-claim food critic keep sending me food photos and hashtag in our conversation. While we all know Tinder is one of the fastest growing and easiest hook up site in the town , I decided to play along see how long it would have take to turn into the three steps hook up formula : starting with a simple  “Hey” with “what R U doing tonight?”  plus a slightly flirtatious compliment and ended with “Let’s meet for a drink sometimes”.

 

My self-esteem boosted up when I get pairing to people who I “liked” too but looking closer to their profile. The cheesy tagline and “Hit me up for fun” turned me off instantly. After adjusting my settings and swiping more than 100 men on the left side , I chose some (not smoking hot unfortunately) to go on a date with them. Mr C is the first person I met through Tinder  , we tracked each other with the nearest location and found ourselves in the same school and decided to have lunch together.

 

“I don’t want a relationship. I just want a date.”  The 33 years old  explained Tinder to me.

 

Although I never imagine a scene sitting in the sofa telling my kids how I met their father through three selfies  and a horrible one-liner “Call me maybe” , that is brutally honest enough.

 

“There are people always on Tinder. hitting on you . Talking to you. Pairing up to you. There is no point of being serious in this case.” Added Mr. C. “As a guy , it is easier to hook up on Tinder than in bar and everywhere.”

 

Having 10 million matches per day and millions of users on Tinder has proved Mr. C’s point of view correct. If you are active in Tinder , you will probably get a bunch of matches but just like in real life , interesting people are not easy to find. The date ended up quite nicely with few comments  on Tinder and some travelling talk and he claimed he had only met a crazy journalist before this date on his adventure on Tinder. Two days after , he asked me out for lunch again and then a  dinner plus drink date and the story ended right where we know its heading to.

 

“Is this what you expected to get on the app?”

“Isn’t this the reason why we are there?”

 

Apart from the convenience and the swiping action , Tinder doesn’t surprise me a lot on its basis. Regardless of what their co-founder claims on how tinder connect people and more , this app is a heaven place for causal sex and fun. The barrier of letting hot people to talk to you is cleverly done but a page of users’ profile  should added in case we miss something good. My tinder story ended when my lover found out I got a Tinder app on my phone and I was texting someone on there right after he turned his back.

 

“So explain to me why are you on Tinder?”

I looked around the room and said “ For fun. For excitement and for checking to see if you are there.”

(Jan 2014)